


Rightfully His

by cxw1065



Category: Iss Pyaar ko Kya Naam Doon
Genre: Bollywood, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-05
Updated: 2012-05-23
Packaged: 2017-10-30 15:29:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/333231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cxw1065/pseuds/cxw1065
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>how ASR and KKG worked through life</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Prologue

He sat in the dark, next to the pool, the bright moonlight shining down on him.  He was alone, as he always was, even when in the midst of a crowd.  A few moments of peace, a few moments where his thoughts weren’t chasing after each other, that was all he craved, but somehow he could never find that inner serenity.

 

The gentle tinkle of shifting glass bangles came from the bedroom; he started to turn his head towards the sound but stopped himself at the last moment.  Did her presence in his life not torment him enough without allowing himself to give in to his weakness?  It was hard enough to not fall to his knees and just beg for an end to his misery most of the time, he didn’t need to torture himself by looking at her while she slept, while she looked as innocent as he wanted her to be.

 

A shuddering sigh escaped him.  The mask he hid behind cracked and fell away as he leaned back in the lounging chair, his face a study in love and hate and despair.  He closed his eyes, trying to force himself to sleep. He had become so used to this nightly torment that it felt normal, though there were times when he remembered the days when the fortress around his heart was strong and undamaged.

 

Sleep eluded him for long moments.  Just as he felt himself finally drifting off to sleep, he felt the weight of her head settle into the hollow of his neck.  His eyes jerked open, his hands moving to push her off him; how dare she break the rules he had laid down the day she came into this house.

 

There was nobody there, no warm body to push away, no silky hair teasing him with its caress.  He turned to look into the bedroom; she lay there with her back to him, her shoulders tense even as she slept. 

 

God, he was going insane.  The past two months of anguish had clearly taken their toll on him.  How could he imagine that she would come anywhere near him, he had told her more than enough times how much he hated her, repeated words of disdain and disrespect over and over in the hope of making himself believe them along with her.  She would never come near him of her own accord, and he told himself he never wanted her to.  And yet, every night, his imagination betrayed him, making him believe again and again that she had breached the distance between them; every night he told himself he would rebuff her if she were truly to approach him, only to have to convince himself over and over that he wasn’t disappointed when it always turned out to be a manifestation of his own innermost desires.

 

He lay back again, determined to force himself into sleep.  And this time, when he felt the warm weight of her along the length of his body, he let the dream take him away.

 

_“I love you” she said, “as much as you love me”.  Her lips grazed his throat, laying gentle kisses at the angle of his jaw.  “That means I love you more than I imagined anyone could love anything.”  Her kisses trailed towards his lips, enticing him, tempting him, until he gave in and took her lips in a deep kiss, his hands roving her body with possessive fervour.   Passion flared and took over; his last conscious thought was the regret that this dream too would come to an end, the way they always did._


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 1

 

He sat at the dining table, drinking the fresh orange juice which was the only breakfast he had been able to stomach in the last two months.  Sitting next to him, Nani carried on an animated conversation with his wife, discussing everything and nothing.  He wondered whether he was the only one who could see through Khushi’s mask, see that her eyes were dead.  It certainly seemed to be the case, but then maybe he was the only one who knew what he was looking for.  He knew exactly what someone’s eyes looked like when they were dead inside; after all, it was that dead look which stared back at him whenever he saw his reflection in the mirror.

 

There was a lull in the conversation, giving him a chance to break in.

 

“Khushi, is Di not coming down for breakfast?” he asked, his voice as neutral as he could make it.

 

“Bas aarahi hongi, Jijaji ka phone aaya tha.” She replied, her lilting voice a parody of the way she had once spoken.  He could see his grandmother smile at the sight of Khushi’s blushing cheeks; how was she to know that the blush wasn’t one of shyness, but one of shame.

 

“Theek hai.  Zara dekhlena ke woh kuch khalein.  I’ll be back late tonight, mera intezaar mat karna.”  He smiled generally in the direction of the others seated at the table, before getting up to go.

 

Making his way to the bedroom, he was aware of the conversation continuing behind him, his aunt and uncle discussing when their son and daughter-in-law would return from America, whilst Nani occasionally breaking in to talk about the grand dinner party she wanted to throw to celebrate their return.

 

“Suniye”

 

As he gathered his briefcase from the bedroom, Arnav heard her voice behind him.  He didn’t turn towards her, but stopped what he was doing, allowing her to speak.

 

“Agar aap bura na maanein, to kya main Amma se mil aaoon?”

 

“Maine tumhein kabhi mana kiya hai jaane se?  Nahin.  Tum jaana chaho, chali jaao.  Just remember, you’re _my_ _wife_ , not just their daughter.  Wahan iss ghar ki koi baat karne se pehle ye sochlena ke tumhari Raizada parivaar ki taraf kya zimmedariyaan hain”

 

For a moment, the air between them was filled with electricity; he could almost hear the retort on her lips before she stopped herself.

 

“Aap ke aane tak main aajaaoongi.”

 

“Mujhe koi farq nahin padta, tum kab aati ho, kab jaati ho.  Bas meri baat yaad rakhna”

 

With those words, he turned and stalked past her, their shoulders brushing as he passed.  As he settled into his car, for once letting the driver take the wheel, Arnav could feel the pressure where their shoulders had touched, the sensation enough to reawaken the craving for her touch that he fought so hard to control.

 

He pulled a file from his briefcase, trying to settle himself with some work; within a minute, the sound of a siren broke through the silence and he looked up to see an ambulance speed past the car with blue lights flashing.  His eyes followed the ambulance as it drove into the distance, memories rising to the surface no matter how hard he tried to suppress them

_That night, he had realised how much he needed her.  It had happened in an instant, when he realised that he couldn’t remember what life was like without her in it._

_He remembered standing in the dark, watching the lights of the ambulance pull further and further away from him, only one thought reverberating through his mind - that he couldn’t remember what his life had been like without her in it._

_He couldn’t imagine what life would be like without her in it._

_He remembered standing in the dark, watching as the ambulance carried her further and further away from him; he  remembered that all he could think in that moment was that he didn’t **want** to imagine what his life would be like without her in it._

_It had been that moment that had led him to make so many strange decisions, led him back into the world of pain and hurt that he had always associated with love._

_For a few moments, he had been paralysed; indecision was an emotion he had little experience of but at that moment only one thought had gone round and round in his mind, leaving no space for any coherence.  “khushikhushikhushi” he couldn’t think couldn’t breathe “khushikhushikhshi Ican’tlivewithouther khushikhushikhushi needherneedherneedher”. All that had been in his mind was **her**._

As the memories washed over him, he let himself remember that moment, felt himself back in that mire of worry and terror and need.

 

_She was injured, they were taking her away from him and he didn’t know what to do._

_He took a deep breath, and forced his mind to calm.  One thing at a time, he’d deal with one thing at a time.  First he’d find her, then he’d do whatever it took to make her better and **then** he’d deal with whatever else needed to be done to keep her in his life.  But first he needed to find her.  He needed to find her so that he could keep her, keep her in his life where she belonged._

_He turned and starting running; he needed to follow that ambulance, and no matter how much some part of him wanted to chase after it, to keep running till he caught up, the tiny part of his brain that still had coherent thought realised that he could only catch up to her in his car._

_Reaching the white four-wheel drive, he pulled open the door and threw himself into the driver’s seat.  As he drew the seat-belt around his waist, he heard her voice, bargaining with some street vendor.  For a moment, he was convinced he was imagining it, his need to see her alive and well so strong that he was deceiving himself into hearing her.  He held his breath, looking around before his gaze fell on the rear-view mirror.  There she stood, alive and well.  He blinked, then looked again; when it finally sank in that it really was Khushi standing there, that it really was Khushi’s voice that he could hear, he let out a shuddering breath, the strength flooding from his body.  As the realisation sank in that he hadn’t lost her, his head leaned forward, resting on the steering wheel, the breaths continuing to shudder through him as he tried to get a grip on his out-of-control emotions._

_After a moment, all the myriad sensations crystallised into one overpowering feeling- anger.  How dare she put him through this, how dare she?  Didn’t she realise that she was his, **his**?  She had no right to do this to him, no right to come into his life and throw it into turmoil and then send him into a tailspin with the threat of removing herself from his life._

_He threw himself out of the car and stalked towards her, unaware of what he was saying, uncaring of what his anger revealed.  It was only when she directly asked him why she mattered to him that his mind woke up again, stopping him from declaring himself before he was fully sure of exactly what it was he wanted to tell her._

The car drew to a halt at some traffic lights, the sound of the hawkers on the street bringing him out of his memories.  A wry smile crossed his face; what a fool he had been, to believe that she was worthy of love.  How wrong he had been.

 

_And if it took every bit of his strength to suppress the love he couldn’t erase from his heart and mind, he would never admit that, even to himself._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2

 

As Khushi bade Nani farewell, her smile hid a thousand hurts and shattered dreams.  Sometimes it seemed that she couldn’t remember what it was like to breathe without pain shuddering through her with every breath; there were times when all she wanted to do was scream till her throat was raw, scream at her husband for destroying her over and over and over again.  It would have been kinder to kill her than the daily torment he put her through, but she knew that he hadn’t wanted to be kind, knew that Arnav Singh Raizada was capable of the utmost cruelty when he believed someone worthy of punishment.

 

He had turned their lives into a punishment and ensured her existence  had turned to torment, reminding her with every breath of how unforgiving he could be.  The love she had once seen in his eyes had turned to hate the moment he realised she had lied to him, and for that she couldn’t blame him.  She hated him with every fibre of her being, mostly for being so unbending and unforgiving; but part of her hated him simply because she couldn’t stop loving him, no matter how hard she tried.

 

She sat in the car, Hari Prakash sitting next to the driver, the shaded screen raised between the front and the back seats.  Her husband had left standing instructions; she was never to be unescorted, no matter where she went; if he wasn’t with her himself, then one of the Prakash brothers was always by her side.  Arnav had told Nani it was so that Khushi never had to do anything for herself, so that she never felt the burden of any of the responsibilities she had shouldered before their marriage.  Nani had happily believed him, but the truth was far more bitter.  He had told Khushi the real reason the day after their wedding- he didn’t trust her alone. He didn’t trust her to not hide things for him, so to make sure she could never lie to him again, he had decided to remove that temptation from her mind.  If she was never alone, then she could never have anything to hide from him, and she would never be able to lie to him.  And so it had been for the last two months; if she ever left the Raizada Mansion, she had an escort who stuck to her like glue.

 

Khushi had accepted her guardians the way she had accepted everything after that night, with mute resignation.  Things had happened so fast that she hadn’t been able to think of a way out of the maze of half-truths she had found herself caught in, and the pain which had shredded her heart had left her so dazed that she had found it hard enough to breathe, let alone to come up with an explanation cogent enough to satisfy Arnav Singh Raizada.

 

It had taken two months, but she was finally beginning to come out of the quagmire of pain she had been caught in since that night.  She couldn’t bear the thought of living in this limbo for the rest of her life; neither of them could ever find contentment this way. Sooner or later the truth would become apparent to their families, and she couldn’t allow them to experience that pain.  One way or another, she had to bring this torture to an end.  If she had been a weaker woman, she could have considered ending her own life; she couldn’t deny that there had been moments when she had contemplated ending it all, simply to escape the weight of the burdens crushing her with every beat of her heart.

 

But that had been only moments, moments of weakness in the middle of the night, when the darkness seemed impenetrable.  It had been those moments of weakness which had shocked her out of the despair she had felt since that night; it had been those moments which had made her vow that she wouldn’t let herself be defeated by one man’s lust and another’s anger.  One way or another, she would free herself and free her husband too, from this half-life in which they were existing.  Whether their marriage, forged in hate rather than the love she had dreamed of, would survive was something she had no idea about.  But one thing was sure; Khushi Kumari Raizada had had enough of simply enduring.  The time had come to start living; living the life she had hoped for before that night.

 

That night.

 

The night that had changed everything.

 

_She stood there half-dressed, a red saree in her hands as she contemplated her reflection in the mirror.  Was she the same girl who had come to Delhi from Lucknow?  There was a look in her eyes that she had never noticed before, a knowledge as old as Eve; she had first noticed it after she returned from the Raizada mansion with **his** bangles on her wrists.  Arnav may have been unable to tell her why he had bought her those bangles, but the look in his eyes when he had seen her wearing them had told her so much; there had been so much hidden in the depths of his eyes that, while she didn’t fully understand everything he was feeling, she knew deep down inside that she was **his**.  _

_The bangles she was still wearing were nothing less than a brand, his way of marking her.  It was an old-fashioned notion, the idea that she could carry his brand.  Part of her fought against the idea of belonging to anyone, but a deep seated, more primal part of her thrilled to the sight of his bangles on her wrists, there for everyone to see.  For the last two days, she hadn’t taken those bangles off, wearing them even when they didn’t match the outfit she had worn for the first part of the wedding ceremony.  She wore them even now, and couldn’t help but be thankful that the saree her mother had chosen for her to wear that night matched them, these bangles that **he** had chosen._

_Khushi knew it wouldn’t be possible, but there was an unshakeable need inside her to not take those bangles off, not until she had something else to brand her as_ **_his;_** _a thread would do if he wrapped it around her wrist himself.  She stood for another minute, looking at the way they moved on her wrists as she draped the saree around her waist; the gentle tinkle as they moved against each other hinting at gentle words she thought he would never be able to actually say._

_The man who had claimed her was not a gentle man, though sometimes he surprised her with his tenderness; she was almost afraid of the day when he would come to claim her in front of the world.  Still, despite everything, he was hers and she was his; a small part of her couldn#t help but wish that they would fight their way through life together, even if they fought **with** each other as much as they fought **for** each other._

_Shaking herself out of her dreamworld (only in her dreams could she imagine he might think of marrying her), she turned to pick up her earrings, saree finally draped, then jumped as her mother bustled into the room._

_“Tayyar hogayeen bitiya?  Phir aajao, chalte hain.  Akash ki Naniji ne hamare liye gadi bheji hai, kaha hai ke woh humara intezaar karrahi hain.  Humein aur der nahin karni chahiye”_

_Garima stopped speaking as she finally looked at her niece._

_“Titaliya, tu itni badi kab hogayi, mujhe pata bhi nahin chala.  Tu kitni sundar lagrahi hai”_

_Khushi blushed, then walked over to hug her ‘mother’._

_“Amma, ye sirf tumhari aankhon ki mohabbat hai.  Main to wohi hoon jo hamesha se thi.”_

_Garima smiled, pressing a kiss to Khushi’s forehead_

_“Nahin bitiya, ab tu bhi badi hogayi hai.  Bahut jaldi tumhari bhi bidai ke liye tayyar hona hoga mujhe.”_

_“Amma, aaj to sirf Jiji ke baare mein socho.  Kal se to tum sirf mere baare mein sochna, magar aaj tum sirf Jiji aur Jeeja ji keliye socho.  Ab chalo na, nahin to mujhe hi daanto gi, der karne ke liye”_

_Laughingly she pulled Garima out of the room; within moments the whole family were settled in the car and being driven towards the Raizada Mansion._

_When they arrived, she left her parents to their greetings and slipped away to her sister’s room.  She was just about to enter as she always did when she remembered that her sister was now someone else’s wife; her hand stopped in the act of pushing open the door and instead moved up, knocking on the door to announce her arrival._

_She heard Akash say “Come in”, his voice as gentle as always.  A smile broke over her face at the thought of how well her Jiji and Jijaji suited each other; both gentle people who complemented each other perfectly._

_As she stepped through the door, her smile widened when she saw the couple standing on opposite sides of the room, clearly having jumped apart as soon as they heard the knock at the door._

_“Maaf kijiye Jeejaji, magar hum Jiji ko tayyar karke neeche lejaane aaye hain.  Wahan sab intezaar karrahe hain, humein jaldi se nikalna hai”_

_Akash blushed, then smiled gently_

_“Payal, main zara Bhai se millta hoon, neeche milenge”_

_Serene as ever, her blushing cheeks the only sign of her inner happiness, Payal nodded gently._

_“Theek hai, hum bas aate hain”_

_Their eyes met, unspoken messages passing between them, then Akash quietly left the room._

_She waited until the door had closed behind him, then Khushi squealed loudly and threw herself at her sister, hugging her tightly until Payal laughingly protested._

_“Jiji, tum kitni khush lagrahi ho, aur Jeejaji to bilkul tumhare deewane hain.  Tum hamesha itni hi khush rehna, theek hai” she said, grabbing Payal’s hands and twirling her round and round._

_“Khushi, bas, Khushi bas bas bas” Payal laughingly tried to calm her over-excited sister._

_“Bas Khushi bas.  Dekho, meri madad kardo, nahin to main ye sab kaise pehnoongi.  Aur Saasuma ka aadesh hai ke main ye sab pehnoon”_

_Khushi turned to look at the jewellery laid out.  Her eyes widened as she took in the array of jewellery laid out on the bed._

_“Jiji, yeh **sab** aap ko pehnna hain?”_

_With a resigned smile, Payal replied “Haan Khushi, yeh **sab** pehnna hain.  Saasuma ka hukum hai.  Humne jab inn se poocha to inhone kaha pehnlena hi behtar hai.  Do din baad se to hum yahan nahin honge, to Saasuma ki baat aaj maanlena hi behtar hai”_

_Khushi tore her eyes away from the glittery display on the bed._

_“Tum yahan nahin hogi, Jiiji; tum kahan jaa rahi ho?”_

_Payal blushed. ““Yeh humein apne saath Malaysia leke jaarahe hain.  Inhein kaam ke liye wahan tour pe jaana hai, to Bhai ne kaha ke ye humein bhi ke jaayein.”_

_“Par Jiji, tum kitne dinon ke liye jaarahi ho” Khushi asked, feeling slightly dismayed at the rapidity with which things were changing._

_“Do maheene ka tour hai Khushi, inho ne kaha ke agar humara dil nahin laga to ye humein pehle bhejdenge, magar humein lagta hai ke jahan bhi yeh honge, hum wahan khushi khushi reh sakte hain”_

_“Do maheene?  Tum do maheene tak bahar rahogi Jiji?  Hum tumhare baghair kaise rahenge?”_

_“Khushi, humare baghair to ab rehne ki aadat to daalni hi padegi na, aur dekho; yahan to aana jaana to rahega tumhara.  Di ne kaha hai ke unko tumhari itni aadat hogayi hai ke woh chahti hain ke tum roz unke paas aao, unke saath waqt guzaaro.”_

_“par Jiji, hum bila wakha thodi na aasakte hain; abhi tak to aap ki shaadi ki tayyariyon ki liye aarahe the, par ab to koi wajha nahin hogi”_

_Payal turned to face Khushi, taking her hands in hers._

_“Khushi, tumhein ek baat batani hai.  Di ki tabiyat theek nahin hai.  Bhai aur yeh Di ka itna khayal kyun rakhte hain, tumhe pata hai; issliye ki unki tabiyat kissi bhi waqt kharab hosakti hai.  Pichle kuch maheenon se woh kuch zyaada beemaar rehrahi hain.  Bhai ne innse kaha ke agar tum aati rahogi, to Di ke baare mein yeh donon bhai thoda kam pareshaan rehenge.  Humari khaatir kardo Khushi, nahin to inhe apni Di ki bahut chinta rahegi”_

_Khushi listened to what her sister was saying with ear, but her mind was going over and over the fact that **he** has asked that she keep coming to the mansion.  He was making sure that he had an excuse to be near her, to see her and talk to her every day.  He was as keen to be near her as she was to be near him, even though the chances were they would end up fighting over everything and nothing._

_“Jiji, agar tum kehti ho, to hum zaroor aayenge. Par tumhare baghair humein yahan aate hue bahut ajeeb lagega.”_

_“Do maheene ki to baat hai Khushi, aur phir hum yaheen honge.  Kya pata, tab tak koi ladka tumhare pyaar mein paagal hoke tumhein hum se door lejaaye.”_

_“Jiji, tum hamesha humein chedti ho, magar dekho; zyaada pareshaan kiya to hum Jijaji ko humare bachpan ke sab raaz batadenge.  Samajhlo, aur hum se daro Jiji!”_

_Payal laughingly raised her hand to Khushi’s cheek, but Khushi ducked away then said “Jiji ab dekho, Mamiji hum donon se bahut ghussa hongi agar humne aur der ki.  Chalo, jaldi jaldi ye sab pehenlo, neeche sab intezaar karrahe honge”_

_As she helped her sister don all the finery which Mamiji had deemed appropriate for her bahu, her thoughts wandered to the man who’s bangles she wore.  That part of her which dreamed of the day when he would claim her the way Akash had claimed Payal kept rearing its head, trying to make her believe in the impossible, but the sensible part of her knew that it would never happen.  She was his, but he would never claim her; he was hers, but he would never admit it.  He would never marry her, she knew that; sooner or later, her parents would find someone suitable for her to marry and she would have no reason to say no._

_She was his, for now; it was only her fantasy that she would always be his.  When the time came, she would do her duty and lock his memories away in the darkest recesses of her heart; she would do her best to be a good wife to whoever her parents chose for her.  But till then, she would wear his brand proudly, create a store of memories to last her a lifetime, and rejoice in the fact that, even for a short time, she was his._

_  
_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 3

 

_As she escorted her sister downstairs, Khushi felt his eyes follow her, felt the heat of his gaze sear through the thin chiffon of her saree.  She lifted her hand to tuck her hair behind her ear, and saw his gaze follow the bangles on her wrist; though he was far away, she could see his smile as if he heard the tinkle of her bangles._

_The next few hours were nothing but a blur, as the reception dragged on and on.  Introductions, smiles, laughter, deflections, questions, answers; at the end of the evening all Khushi was left with were a series of impressions but with only a few real memories._

_One thing she would never forget was Arnav’s constant presence near her; no one else would even have noticed that he didn’t leave her side, his hovering was so subtly done, but she was constantly aware of his presence.  She revelled in his presence, determined to make as many memories as possible to sustain her in the years to come; she committed his expressions to memory, the play of emotions in his eyes, his crooked smile, the heat in his eyes as he watched her.  Only once did he touch her, when, with her arms full of gifts, she almost lost her balance and fell.  The feel of his hard hand seared through her, another sense memory to add to her hoard._

_Finally the evening came to an end, and the two families were driven back to the Raizada mansion.  Khushi accompanied Payal to her room and helped her remove what seemed like kilos of gold.  The two sisters chatted quietly for a few moments, discussing the people they had met, and the outfits some of the women had been wearing._

_When Akash entered the room, though her sister kept answering her comments, Khushi knew that she was definitely no longer needed._

_“Jiji, hum ye sab Mamiji ke paas rakhdenge, tumse hum kal milenge.  Amma Bauji ke saath hum tumse milne aajaenge.  Tum araam karo Jiji, aaj aap bahut thak gayi hogi”_

_As she sidled towards the door, Akash turned his head to look at her_

_“Khushiji, Bhai ne kaha wo aap logon ko chod denge, bas aap unhe batadena jab aap jaane ko tayyar hain.  Woh poolside pe aap ka intezaar karrahe hain”_

_She nodded her thanks and crept out of the room, aware that the two people left behind had hardly noticed her departure._

_After leaving the jewellery boxes with Mamaji (utterly thankful that she didn’t have to deal with hello-hi bye-bye- Mamiji), she made her way to the main hall, where her parents were sitting with Naniji._

_“Arre Titaliya, tayyar ho chalne ke liye?  Payaliya se kal milne aajayenge, magar ab bahut der hochuki hai Nandkishor, humein chalna chahiye”_

_“Ji Buaji, hum tayyar hain”_

_“Khushi bitiya, jao, Chote ko bulalo; woh khud tumhein chodna chahrahe the”_

_There was a smirk on Naniji’s face as she spoke; as Khushi left the room, she smiled at Anjali then said “Aap logon se kuch zaroori baatein karni hain, ek do din baad hum aap ke ghar aayenge, phir baat cheet ho payegi”_

_Garima and Madhumati shared confused glances, whilst Shashi nodded “Jaise aap chahein, Samdhanji, par hum kuch samjhe nahin.  Koi chinta ki baat to nahin hai?” Madhumati said._

_Naniji laughed._

_“Arre nahin nahin, Madhumatiji, chinta ki koi baat nahin.  Bas aapke paas ek cheez hai jo humein chahiye hai, to woh maangne aayenge.  Aap pareshan na hon, main jaanti hoon aap woh cheez humein khushi khushi saunp dengi”_

_As the two women looked at each other in confusion, Naniji met Shashi’s eyes and saw the understanding there.  She nodded at him, receiving a nod in return.  He may not have been able to say anything, but Khushi’s father wasn’t blind; he had seen the growing glow in Khushi’s eyes, seen the way she blushed whenever Arnav’s name was mentioned.  Though his heart was full of fear at what might happen if the truth about that snake Shyam ever came out, he couldn’t help but hope that things might go well for once.  Just a little piece of happiness, that was all he wanted for his little girl.  Surely that wasn’t too much to ask for._

_Unaware of what was running in the minds of the elders of their families, Khushi made her way to the poolside, her heart pounding.  The last time she had stood next to that cool water, she had asked him why he had bought her those bangles.  He hadn’t answered her then, and she didn’t think he ever would, but the thought of being alone with him again sent a rush of pleasure through her.  He wouldn’t ever say the words, but he had claimed her, and she was happy with that._

_The poolside was dark, the only light cast by the blinking lights in the “Payal-weds-Akash” sign which Anjaliji had put up a few days ago._

_She heard a step and turned; it hadn’t sounded like **his** footstep._

_It was Shyam._

_“Khushiji, aap ko humare Saale sahab ki di hui chudiyaan itni pasand aayeen hain ke aap unhe utaarne ka naam hi nahin lerahi hain, magar humari di hui angoothi aap ne phenk di thi.  Yeh kaisa insaaf hai.  Hum to aap se shaadi karne chahte hain, woh to shaadi ke naam pe thookte hain”_

_“Aap humse baat mat kijiye.  Aap ko sharam nahin aati.  Aap ki patni hai, aap ki shaadi ho chuki hai.  Aap humse shaadi kerne ke baare mein soch bhi kaise sakte hain”_

_“Aise mat kahiye Khushiji.  Rani sahiba beemaar hain, kya pata woh iss dharti pe kitne dinon ki mehmaan hain.  Unke jaane ke baad humein thodi si Khushi ka to haq hai na, Khushiji.  Apni patni ke gham se aap humein nahin bachayengi Khushiji.  Hum aap ko itna chahte hain, kya aap humara thoda sa bhi intezaar nahin karsakteen.”_

_“Bhagwaan ke liye aap chup hojaiyye.  Pata nahin aap kya kya kahe jaarahe hain.  Hum aap e kabhi shaadi nahin karenge.  Aapse shaadi karne se pehle hum apni jaan dedenge”_

_She felt his hand on her shoulder, his fingers digging into her soft skin_

_“Aapko apni behen ki thodi si bhi chinta nahin hai, Khushiji.  Agar humne Mamiji se kehdiya ke unhe sab pata tha, agar humne Naniji ko batadiya ke aap ka poora parivaar kiss tarha se ye baat chuparaha hai, agar humne unhe ye batadiya ke Gupta parivaar haath dhoke humare peeche kaise pada tha aap se shaadi karne ke liye, to phir aap ko lagta hai ke Payalji yahan rehsakengi.”_

_He pulled her closer, his breath warm against her face, the smell of alcohol wafting into her nostrils._

_“Aap ko humse thodi narmi se pesh aana chahiye Khushiji; agar hum saale sahab se kahenge ke aap ne humein kiss tarha se apne jaal mein phansaya, to aapko kya lagta hai, woh aap ki baat maanenge.  Hargiz nahin.  Unhe hum pe itna bharosa hai, aur woh apni Di ki khatir kuch bhi karne ko tayyar hain.  Dilli to kya, aap ke liye poora Bharat ek nark banadenge.  Aap kaheen bhi bachke nahin jaasakengi.  Aur aapka parivaar aap ke saath saath bhatakta phirega”_

_Shyam smiled, the smile terrifying in its gentleness._

_“Hum aap se kuch zyaada thodi maang rahe hain, Khushiji.  Sirf thoda intezaar.  Ranisahiba ki zindagi ab zyaada lambi nahin hogi.  Unke aakhri din unko khushi khushi guzaarne dein, phir unke guzarne ke baad, hum dono apni zindagi shuru karsakte hain.  Humein pata hai ke aap ko accha nahin lagta hoga, humein unke saath dekhte hue.  Hum jaante hain aap sirf humein jalaane ke liye Saale sahab ki chudiyaan pehne hue hain.  Magar sirf thode se dinon ka intezaar hai Khushiji, phir hum saath saath rahenge”_

_“thoda intezaar kijiye Khushiji, phir hum dhoom dhaam ke saath aapke ghar baraat leke aayenge”_

_With a last terrifying smile, he walked away, leaving her standing there shaking with fear.  Tear dripped from her eyes; she wiped at them frantically, trying desperately to gather her scattered thoughts and come up with a way out of this unholy mess she found herself in._

_Maybe she should just tell **him** ; if she told him the truth now, maybe he would believe her, maybe he could find a way to help her._

_Silent sobs wracked her body as she tried to process what that man had just said to her.  How could she deal with such madness, she didn’t know, but she had no one to turn to apart  from_ **_him_** _.  Her parents had enough to deal with because of her father’s illness, and her aunt was all sound and bluster but wouldn’t be able to deal with Shyam’s slick machinations._

_She took a deep breath and held it for long seconds, until she felt like her heart was going to pound out of her chest.  As she released it, she felt his presence behind her and turned, a smile starting to appear on her face._

_“To tum ho Jijaji ki aajkal ki mohabbat?”_

_Khushi stopped breathing for a moment, as his words sank in.  The tone of his voice contained the same bitterness she remembered from the first time she had met him, that same hatred of the world filling every syllable._

_“Meri..........”_

_“Tumhein ye to nahin lagta ke tum Jeejaji ki pehli najayaz pasand ho?  Nahin Khushi, aisi baat nahin hai.  Pichhle teen saalon mein maine pata nahin kitni ladkiyon ko paise deke apni Di ka ghar basaye rakha hai.  Jeejaji ke baare mein aur kuch kaho na kaho, ye to sach hai,unke saamne se ladki hatado to woh bahut kaldi bhool jaate hain, kissi nayi mehbooba ki taraf apni attention dedete hain.”_

_Arnav walked into the light, a smile on his face.  Khushi shuddered again at the sight of that smile, it was such a bitter travesty of the smile he had worn only two days ago._

_“Arnavji.........”_

_“Magar tum, Khushi Kumari Gupta, tumhein to paise deke main apni Di ki zindagi se nahin hata sakta na.  Tum to mere chote Bhai ki saali ho, meri Di ki dost ho.  Tumhara main kya karoonga Khushi Kumari Gupta?”_

_He stopped in front of her, his gaze raking over her in a way that made her feel dirty.  For a moment, she thought she could see a hint of softening in his eyes, before his gaze fell on the bangles she was wearing._

_“Kya mere Jijaji hi tumhare mangetar the?  Haan, wohi the.  Tumhari aankhein mujhe sab bata rahi hain.”_

_“Aap................”_

_Arnav dragged her close, his fingers digging into the bruises Shyam’s cruel grip had caused on her arms.  Her gasp of pain broke through the miasma of rage engulfing him for a moment; he let go, only to cup her face in a parody of the way he had touched her before._

_“Mujhe bataya kyun nahin tumne Khushi?  Kya sochke tumne mujhse ye chupaya?  Kya tumhein laga tha ke ye baat kabhi khulegi nahin?  Tumne apni family ko kaise manaya, iss baat ko chupane ke liye?”_

_He leaned close, his very calmness terrifying her._

_“Shayad tumne ye socha ke agar mujhe pata chaljayega to main tumhare qareeb nahin aaoonga?  Kya ye baat thi Khushi?  Kya tumne ye socha ke main apni behan ki souten ke paas nahin aaoonga? Kya tumne ye socha ke tum mujhe itna paagal karlogi ke main tumse shaadi karloonga?”_

 

_“Meri baat to sunlijiye”_

_“Jab baat karne ka waqt tha to tum chup raheen theen Khushi.  Tumne baat karne ka haq kho diya hai.  Ab baat main karoonga, aur sunogi tum”_

_“Please, ek dafa meri baat to...................”_

_“Bas, Khushi.  Ab meri baat sunlo.  Paanch minute baad, hum dono neeche jaayenge.  Kal, main tumhare ghar aaonga, apni Nani ke saath aur hum dono parivaar se ye kahenge ke hum shaadi karna chahte hain, aur kyunki Akash aur Payal ke aane tak hum intezaar nahin karsakte hain, hum kalhi shaadi karna chahte hain.  Uss ke baad, tum meri biwi banjaogi, aur Arnav Singh Raizada ki biwi ki taraf kissi ko dekhne ki himmat nahin hogi. Jeejaji ko main South Africa bhej raha hoon, woh kal subha chale jayenge.  Jab tak woh aayenge, tum meri biwi ke role mein fit ho  chuki hogi, aur unko koi aur mehbooba mil chuki hogi”_

_“Main aap se shaadi nahin karna chahti”_

_“Mana karne se pehle alternative sunlo Khushi Kumari Gupta.  Agar tumne mana  kardiya, to main abhi ishi waqt neeche jaake ye poori baat apne parivaar ko batadoonga.  Saaf saaf kehdoonga ke tumhare poore parivaar ne ye baat chupayi ke Jeejaji ne tumse mangni ki hai.  Nani se kahoonga ke tumne hi Jeejaji ka peecha kiya, aur jab woh Di ko nahin chod rahe the, to phir tumne mujhe phansane ki koshish ki.  Mamiji se kahoonga ke Payal ko sab pata tha.  Usske baad tumhare parivar ka Dilli mein kya, India mein rehna mushkil kardoonga. Sochlo Khushi, ek baar sochlo.  Jhoot bolne ki saza kissi ko to milni hai- ya to sirf tumhein, ya tumhare poore parivaar ko”_

_She looked at him, looking for even a hint of the man who had been frantic with worry at the thought of losing her; all she could see was the brutal man who had destroyed her reputation and forced her to leave Lucknow._

_“Aap ye kyun karrahe hain?  Meri baat to ek baarto  sunlijiye”_

_“Baat karne ka waqt chalagaya Khushi.  Maine tumse ek baar poocha tha, tumhare mangetar ke baare mein.  Woh waqt tha baat karne ka.  Ab main sirf apni Di ki khushi ke baare mein sochoonga.  Unko apne pati ki zaroorat hai, woh jaise bhi hain.  To main apne Jeejaji ko unke paas rakhoonga, kisi bhi tarha.  Main tumhein apni zindagi se nikaal to nahin sakta, to phir apne se baandh ke rakhoonga.  Jeejaji itne bhi mohabbat me paagal nahin honge ke MERI biwi ki taraf aankh utha ke dekhne ki bewaqoofi karenge”_

_Khushi couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe.  There was no way out of this situation, no way to make the contemptuous man standing in front of her why she had done what she had done._

_He smiled at her, the smile sending shivers of terror down her spine._

_“So what’s your answer Khushi Kumari Gupta? Will you marry me?”_

_What could she do but say yes._


	5. Chapter 5

The tears rolled down her face as she remembered that moment, that night when the man she loved had broken her heart.  In that moment, she had known that the Arnav Singh Raizada she had given her heart to had vanished, driven back into hibernation by the way she had betrayed his trust.  Part of her believed that she had only herself to blame, but the loving heart of her wept for his betrayal.  Could he not have trusted her, just enough to hear her out?  Could he not have given her a chance to  explain? 

 

Since that night, she had been sleep-walking through life, numb to everything.  Her acting skills had developed immensely, and over the past two months, no-one had noticed that there was anything wrong.  But now she had had enough.

 

It had taken two months, but she was finally beginning to come out of the quagmire of pain she had been caught in since that night.  She couldn’t bear the thought of living in this limbo for the rest of her life; neither of them could ever find contentment this way. Sooner or later the truth would become apparent to their families, and she couldn’t allow them to experience that pain.  One way or another, she had to bring this torture to an end.  If she had been a weaker woman, she could have considered ending her own life; she couldn’t deny that there had been moments when she had contemplated ending it all, simply to escape the weight of the burdens crushing her with every beat of her heart.

 

But those had been only moments, moments of weakness in the middle of the night, when the darkness seemed impenetrable.  It had been those moments of weakness which had shocked her out of the despair she had felt since that night; it had been those moments which had made her vow that she wouldn’t let herself be defeated by one man’s lust and another’s anger.  One way or another, she would free herself and free her husband too, from this half-life in which they were existing.  Whether their marriage, forged in hate rather than the love she had dreamed of, would survive was something she had no idea about.  But one thing was sure; Khushi Kumari Raizada had had enough of simply enduring.  The time had come to start living; living the life she had hoped for before that night.

 

_********************************************************************************************************************************************************_

 

Arnav stood in his office, looking down at the desk where Khushi had once placed her statue of her Devi.  It had been two months since Akash and Payal had gone to Malaysia, two months since he had sent his brother-in-law to South Africa.  Two months since his wedding day.

 

In the past two months, they had been husband and wife in the eyes of the world.

 

_The simple statement he had made, Khushi’s hand held tightly in his, had been met with disbelief by the Gupta family and by irritatingly knowing smiles by his family.  There had been an attempt by both families to persuade them to delay, to wait two months and then have the huge wedding extravaganza that was expected for Arnav Singh Raizada, but he had held firm, Khushi silently standing beside him._

_Within moments of his declaration, Aman had arrived with the mala’s Arnav had ordered, as well as the Raizada’s priest.  The Varmala ceremony had taken place then and there, without any preparation, and without giving anyone a chance to object.  Khushi had been wearing a simple green churidaar suit, and he had been dressed in his usual business attire; as soon as possible, the Raizada family left to arrange the rest of the wedding._

_That evening, they had been married in a simple ceremony held at the Raizada Mansion.  Both families had been present, as well as a few of the more distant relatives who had yet to return to their homes after Payal’s wedding, but there had been no time for grand preparations._

_Arnav had asked his grandmother to arrange for some appropriate clothes for his bride-to-be, but when he finally saw her being brought towards the lagna-kund, he saw she was wearing an old-fashioned red lehenga with gaudy embroidery on it.  Taking it as the insult he was sure she had meant it to be, he felt his temper rise; Arnav leaned towards his grandmother and said “Nani, aap yeh kahan se laayeen.  Nani, where did you get that? Didn’t you tell the boutique-owner who she was marrying?  Is that what people would expect my bride to wear?”_

_Nani looked a little surprised at his tone; it was hardly lover-like.  “Chote, humein pata hai aap Khushi bitiya ki khaatir harr acchi cheez lena chahte hain, magar woh apni Buaji ka joda pehhna chahti theen, to humne mana nahin kiya.  Waise hi bitiya ke liye kuch nahin hosaka, na mehendi, na sangeet, na koi aur rasam.  To hum unki ye ek khwaaish kaise poori na karte” “Chote, I know that you want Khushi to have every lovely thing she could want, but she wanted to wear her Buaji’s wedding outfit, and I couldn’t say no.   Poor thing, she didn’t have any of the usual wedding rituals, no sangeet, no mehendi, nothing.  So how could I say no to this one request?”_

_Pinning a (hopefully indulgent) smile to his face, he turned to look at Khushi as she walked nearer to him.  Though her face was covered with her ghoonghat, he could make out the glistening trail of the tears which ran down her face.  His heart clenched at the thought of what he was doing, of what she must be feeling, and for a moment all he wanted was to reassure her that he would never hurt her, never let her cry again.  At that moment, his heart ached with love for her, and all he could think was that she was going to be **his**.  Arnav shifted his weight as if to stand up; he stopped as he felt a hand on his shoulder._

_“Kya hua Chote?” “What’s wrong Chote?”_

_Di.  His sister.  The woman who’s life Khushi had almost destroyed.  He felt anger flood his mind as he turned back to look at the girl walking towards him, rage at her, at his lecherous brother-in-law, at the world, but mostly rage at himself.  Why could he not stop loving her?  Why had his love for her not  died the moment he found out what was going on?  Even knowing what she was, why did his heart still stutter at the sight of her tears?  Arnav looked into the fire and took a deep breath, aware that to the watching family members it would appear as if he was overwhelmed by the sight of his blushing bride._

_As Khushi was seated gently next to him, he glanced at her from the corner of his eye; her eyes were closed and her face expressionless.   Pain threatened to overwhelm him for another moment, his hand almost reaching out to her, then he stopped.  Just stopped.  Using every bit of the control he had developed over the past ten years, he switched off every emotion; the love that threatened to overwhelm him and the rage that was threatening to destroy him._

_This was simply a deal, he reminded himself, a deal.  He was paying for his sister’s happiness with his freedom, and buying Khushi’s cooperation with the contents of his bank accounts.  Khushi would pay for her sins too, though; he would ensure that by making her live under the tightest restrictions he could impose. ****_

_The priest began the ceremony, and the moments passed in a flash; before he realised he was being asked to stand and lead his bride around the sacred fire.  Never before had he ever entered into a deal with so little intention to keep his side of the bargain.  As they walked round the fire, taking the seven marriage vows, he thought about every part of the contract that he was already planning to break._

_He was entering a contract in which he was promising to cherish and provide for her—he would provide for her, but could never cherish her._

_He was contracting to protect her and their children- again he would have to protect her, to protect his sister, but there would never be any children to look after._

_He was making a deal to become financially successful; well that was one promise he could keep._

_He was entering a contract to father her children; again a part of the contract he had no intention of keeping, though he had once dreamed of seeing her carrying his child._

_He was promising to make her his best friend, when he had no intention of letting her into his life._

_And finally, he was promising to be hers for eternity.  As the priest spoke the words of the final vow, Arnav took a deep breath and for one moment, let himself go.  From the depths of his heart, he promised to be hers for eternity, and vowed he would never let her go.  She was **his** , no matter her faults and weaknesses.  She was his, and he would never let her go.  With a gasp, he fought to contain his longing; as his hard won control re-asserted itself, he rationalised his claiming of her, refusing to give in.  Of course he would never let her go; keeping her bound to him was the only way to ensure his family’s happiness.  (And if a quiet voice deep inside him kept repeating over and over and over that she was finally his, **his,** he ignored it; this need for her was something he would purge from his mind if it was the last thing he did.)_

_The ceremony was almost over, only two steps left to seal the deal.  As they sat next to each other again, he saw that she had closed her eyes underneath the ghoonghat.  She kept them closed even as he hooked the mangalsutra around her neck, kept them closed as her mother lifted the ghoonghat to allow him access to her maang._

_Only when he filled her maang with a thick pinch of blood red sindoor did her eyes fly open; their gazes met and locked and for a moment it was as if their souls were communicating with each other.  It was only a moment, before she shielded her eyes and looked down, but it left him in agony._

_He remembered wanting to lash out, share his agony; if Shyam had been in front of him, he would have beaten him to a pulp.  Instead, all he could do was grit his teeth and pretend to be full of joy._

_Once the priest declared that the ceremony was complete, Arnav and Khushi stood.  He started to turn away, but Nani’s gentle glare reminded him of what was expected, and he turned back to the assorted family members standing around the mandap.  Together, he bent to take blessings from his Nani and Di, then turned towards the Gupta’s.  He couldn’t help but feel angry as he looked at them; if they had had even slightly more control over their younger daughter, perhaps he wouldn’t have been placed in this insidious position.  From the first, it was their weakness which had let her run riot, let her appear at the show where they had first met, let her roam free and end up in Shyam’s path. It was as much as he could do to force himself to bend and touch their feet, but he did it and was rewarded by the harsh breath of relief which escaped from his wife’s mouth._

_He turned towards her, noting the trepidation with which she looked at him.  “Khushi, tum apne parents ko khaane pe lejaao, main bas abhi aata hoon.”  “Khushi, why don’t you take your parents to get something to eat, I’ll be there in a moment.”_

_She nodded hesitantly, then turned away, taking the handles of her father’s wheelchair as always._

_“Ek minute Khushi.”  She stopped, and turned back to look at him._

_He made her wait, made her worry about what he was going to say for a moment, before saying “Aaj to tum dulhan ho, aaj kissi aur ko yeh zimmedari nibhaane do.”  “Today, you’re the bride, today you should let someone else shoulder that responsibility.”_

_With a gesture, he asked Akash to take the handles from Khushi, before saying “Don’t worry Khushi, aaj ke baad tumhare harr araam ke baare mein main sochoonga.”  “Don’t worry, after today, it’s my responsibility to take care of you.”_

_Khushi turned and walked away from him, the stiff set of her back mute witness to how unhappy she was.  He couldn’t believe that no one else could see through their act, but apparently they were convincing in their designated roles as impatient lover and blushing bride._

From that day till now, they had maintained the facade of a happily married couple in front of both families well enough that no one seemed to have any doubts.  Anjali had been almost overwhelmed with happiness that her Chote had finally succumbed to love; she smiled and laughed more easily than ever, seemingly freed of a worry that had been burdening her for a long time.  His grandmother was truly thrilled to see him settled with someone who shared her values and care for tradition, whilst Mamaji accepted the marriage with his usual calm demeanour.  Mamiji had been the most difficult to read; it was inconceivable that she was happy with the marriage, but she didn’t say a word, possibly because she knew that Arnav wouldn’t listen to anything he didn’t want to hear.

 

The reaction of Khushi’s family were more varied.  Garima, his mother-in-law, didn’t seem to care about anything except the relief of having both her daughters safely married off.  Though she was a caring woman, she didn’t have any particular depth to her, and it was clear that she wouldn’t ever bother to look any deeper into the state of her daughter’s marriage.  He had very little opinion of the woman.

 

Khushi’s aunt was more of a challenge.  She was extremely disapproving of the hasty way in which the marriage had happened, even more unhappy that her niece was married to a man who didn’t seem to appreciate the importance of religion, tradition and ceremony.  Her disapproval had been cemented when he had married Khushi without even a thought for the correct mahurat, or any of the other ceremonies involved with a normal wedding ceremony.  Still, she never said anything more than her usual “Hai Re Nandkishore”, granting him the only glimmer of amusement he could find in the entire fiasco.

 

His father-in-law, now he was someone who Arnav was more wary of (and he had never imagined that he would be wary of a small-time business-failure).  Shashi Gupta may have been disabled, may have lost his ability to talk, but the look in his eyes told Arnav that he was more than aware of what was going on.  On the day he had seen Khushi married, seen her maang filled with red sindoor, seen the manglasutra around her neck, his eyes had filled with tears; but the look in his eyes had been fierce and victorious and utterly thankful.  His hand had trembled as he gave them blessings, but as Arnav had turned to walk away, he had felt Shashi’s hand catch his and turned back.  For a moment, their eyes had locked, and Arnav had felt as if Shashi had seen into his soul; he could feel Shashi looking deep as if for the answer to a very important question.  After a moment, his father-in-law’s eyes had filled with tears again, and he had smiled, then laughed.  Khushi, who stood numbly beside her husband as this byplay was going on, had gasped as Shashi brought Arnav’s hand towards her, indicating mutely that he wanted her to place her hand on his.  It was only when Khushi’s hand was firmly clasped in Arnav’s that Shashi let go, a satisfied smile on his face.

 

From that day till now, whenever he saw his father-in-law, he couldn’t help but wonder what exactly the man knew; he knew something, that was certain.  Perhaps with time, with the therapy that Arnav was now paying for, he would be able to reveal his secrets.  But time was something that they were fast running out of.

 

It had been two months since they married, but in two weeks Shyam, Payal and Akash would all be back. 

 

And then the games would begin.


	6. apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies
> 
> I do not know if this fic will ever be completed
> 
> apologies again

Apologies

I do not know if this fic will ever be completed

apologies again


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